Point Of View: Pack Your Brags

In a bad mood and you don’t know why? Maybe you just looked at your friends’ vacation posts. Mike Albo shares the most common offenders.

That Person with the Very Vague “Job”

My boss literally sent me to Iceland to find the perfect shade of polar ice blue! PS: Any recs for a good hot stone massage? #LiterallyHowDidIGetThisJob

Phew, we literally just finished a super-intense photo shoot on the remote island of Tawi-Tawi, so it’s time to relax. Me and our cover star kick back poolside with mocktails! #ModelingIsHardWork #SoIsMyJobPairingTheRightModelsWithTheRightBeach

Sometimes, we need to stop and just literally express gratitude for the things we have been given. The sun, this luxury hotel room, this perfect plate of figs and fresh goat cheese, the fact that my air miles are so high they have literally made it possible for me to fly anywhere at any time for the rest of eternity, and my incredible job as a brunch consultant. #Workation #LiterallyBlessed #MakingBrunchBettermike albo 3

The Spiritualized Colleague

Thank you for contacting me. I will be out of the office until February 4, 2018, and unable to respond to texts, calls, tweets, IMs or any other mode of communication that you seem to be addicted to as a Westerner. I will be hiking through Tibet with my friends Pema, Suu Kyi and a butterfly that may be a reincarnation of Rumi. The atmosphere there is actually so spiritual it blocks all cell reception and overall negativity, so don’t even try to contact me. When I return, I will be on a 10-day media fast and unable to speak to anyone, unless what you are saying is coming from your innermost heart center.

For any time-sensitive issues, please contact my assistant, Casey Anderson, who will be answering all correspondence during my journey, 24/7.

 

The Friend Living in a Fairy Tale

1,576,800 minutes ago, my life changed. I was trekking through the Peloponnese mountains, on a self-healing journey, a week after a devastating breakup. After a rigorous hike, I stopped at a fruit stand for a replenishing lunch of berries and whole goat milk served in an authentic gourd. Cupping the gourd with both hands, I gazed out at the inspirational vista and asked the Universe to give me a sign.

That’s when I heard someone speaking in perfect Tsakonian Greek. I turned around and locked eyes with the most gorgeous man I have ever seen. I immediately knew this was my soul mate. The One. Maybe it was because I had all that time to myself as a single person (a full week, if you count air travel), but I knew we would be together forever. As you know (from our Vows article in The Times!), Demetre and I have been together since that moment.mike albo 2

For our second anniversary, we decided to return to the Peloponnese and re-create every moment of how we met for this photographic essay! Here, we are holding hands while walking over winding trails and wooden bridges. (We traveled with a drone, so we could get good images.) Here, we are having deeply felt, authentic interactions with indigenous old women for 15 minutes. Also, here are the sunsets, the sunset selfies, the sunburns and even the sunburn selfies! We are so in love! Thanks, Universe!

The Constantly Shirtless Instagrammer

Me, Seth, Scott, Sean, Shay, Shane, Shayne and Shain shirtless in the shared shower at our shoreside share.

Me, Chris, Kris, Christopher, Christos and Christian cooling off in a creek by our Costa Rican communal campsite after crushing it in CrossFit.

Me, Brendan, Brenden, Brent, Braden, Jaden, Brad and Brock banging out some burpees and biceps bumps before basting branzino around our beach bonfire.

mike albo 1

That Person with the Very Vague “Job”

My boss literally sent me to Iceland to find the perfect shade of polar ice blue! PS: Any recs for a good hot stone massage? #LiterallyHowDidIGetThisJob

Phew, we literally just finished a super-intense photo shoot on the remote island of Tawi-Tawi, so it’s time to relax. Me and our cover star kick back poolside with mocktails! #ModelingIsHardWork #SoIsMyJobPairingTheRightModelsWithTheRightBeach

Sometimes, we need to stop and just literally express gratitude for the things we have been given. The sun, this luxury hotel room, this perfect plate of figs and fresh goat cheese, the fact that my air miles are so high they have literally made it possible for me to fly anywhere at any time for the rest of eternity, and my incredible job as a brunch consultant. #Workation #LiterallyBlessed #MakingBrunchBetter

 

Mike Albo is a writer and performer. His latest solo show is Spermhood, which is based on his Amazon Kindle Single. 

Illustrations by Jordi Labanda

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